This feeling again

when and why do i start wearing this sad mask?

this feeling again…

as i drove by  your place, thinking to complete laundry, putting your clothes and towels into dryer cycle. then in a drive way, your truck is there… it is a mid day, you are supposed to be working… as you always says, “I gotta WORK 24/7”

it has been at least I could count with my fingers, an image of you making love on a bed flash in my head; maybe because two cars are moving their beds as I drove in our residence neighbors . . .

probably, physically you having sex with women may not accurate, or maybe you are so clever and quick to clean up, even when we have sex, usually you stand up and put your clothes on as if nothing has happened, such a quick change, then you are off to whatever you like to do; watch tv, make call, or whatever you go into your own space.  You are gone, no epilogue …

so may be you are having sex.  maybe my feminine gut feeling is correct, as it is your last day to be live alone with a big house with four bed rooms where you can choose any bed to be your special bed to invite your fantasy lover to have a ride of your dream . . .

I wish I do not feel this way thou my heart cannot find you especially a day like this.

… you are the one constantly tell me that i will dump you and go after someone else… even i ask you to not say this kind of stuff which make me sad and upset . . . you still are still doing this . . . maybe it is you who are tire of me, who are  having a lover of your dream yet you cannot break a tie which you knot with me, maybe that is why you keeping me, you keep paying for a rent and food, to keeping your boundaries clear as a person who has WIFE, yet never bother to exchange wedding rings which will be a distraction to your work.

You will upset when you read this which you always do, when I touch your CORE belief, you cannot hide your anger, irritation, bitterness that is your NON-SELF.

Are you numb this much?

Why don’t you feel we are slipping away?  You leave me alone anytime when I finally begin to FEEL YOU in a bed, on a couch, at a beach . . . a flow of honey just began to flow between and all around us thru being together and gently touching skins of ours, but there is nothing to follow, you leave me and busy walking away for your next excitement.

Who are you with now?  Who are you talking over a phone?  TIME is 1:11 (13:11) as I drove away from your drive way… who is your true love?



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